The Past Kink

In my twenties, the sadistic side of my personality was very prominent. I was mean, vicious, and very much enjoyed your suffering. I loved when I could make you cry, as much as I loved when you’d whimper and beg. A confirmed dacryphiliac, your tears were as sexually arousing to me as any vibrator or masturbation, and I have orgasmed many times over the sounds (no, I never told you I came, because I’m the Mistress and I chose not to share that with you at the time.) I loved the sound of a ruler slapping against your inner thigh as much as the reaction to hanging a weighted ball-stretcher between your legs. And when you would beg for more, it fueled my desire. However, about a year ago, I started to notice I wasn’t getting the same reactions. My desire to inflict myself on you became less of a sexual thrill, and I dare say, I felt bad for some. So I left in order to gain some perspective.

The Present Kink

In the year I’ve been away, I have studied a bit of who I am. I’ve gone to several conventions and speaking events, always masked up, and sat down with people I respect to gain insight. Conversations with friends I’ve known since my late teens, as well as people I’ve met only since the pandemic started, and one thing became abundantly clear. I’ve changed.

I sat down with a very close friend not too long ago, and we were talking about how the scene has changed, even in the last ten years. She and I are about the same age and she’s always been like a sister to me. When we were talking about some of my toys that I keep in my play area, she asked me why some of my floggers and paddles appeared to not be in use. I shrugged, not really thinking anything of it, but later, I went back and asked myself that same question again. Paddles and floggers and riding crops have always been my “staples,” but aside from polishing or oiling them to keep them in good working order, I hadn’t really played with them in some time. Even with my own slaves and submissives, I found that I was less vicious. I used less of the weapons in my area and instead was using my hands and my body to tease reactions from them. I found a connection to a side of me that I didn’t even know I had.

Later I had a session with a submissive, and while we were talking about limits and desires and expectations, I paused. I’d started talking about my toys and my strapons, but it didn’t “feel” like me any longer. I didn’t want to hurt him, or make him whimper while he rode my cock. I still wanted to use my strapon dildo, don’t get me wrong, but it was less about domination and subjugation. I wanted to see the smile on his face when his balls were pressed up against the harness and I lightly scratched his nipples to make them more sensitive without inflicting pain. I made a joke to that end and he blushed several shades of pink before admitting that he would be game for a softer session as well. And, over the next ninety minutes, that’s exactly what we had. There were jokes and laughter in between thrusts, as much as there were light scratches with my nails. The scene itself was very powerful, but it wasn’t mean. And I realized that I may just not be that mean anymore.

The Future Kink

And so, as I return to LDW and come back to taking calls from you, I realize that this side of me might be something of a shock to many of you. I’ve been here for fourteen years as one of the meanest Mistresses, and it may take a bit for you to get used to this other side of me. Some of you may not like this side of me, and please know that I understand. People’s kinks change all the time, just as knowledge changes a person every day. I cherish each of you for what you have given me in the last decade or so, and I hope that the expression of my softer side enhances our relationships even more.

I am not currently taking appointments, but I will be available all day on Saturdays and Wednesdays, beginning at noon, and evenings after six pm.

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Visit Mistress Ryan’s blog:  www.ryankillian.com